Longing

Written Dec. 2023

Why does my hand reach for another
Grasping at nothing but a dream
Why do I yearn for your warmth at my back
As I drift off hoping for the solace of sleep
Why do my eyes look out seeking yours
Though I know it’s only in my mind

Why does this heartache prey upon these hopes, these dreams
Why do these memories feel real
Why do these tears line my cheeks 
When it is nothing more than shadows of fantasy
Why does this distant and yet all-consuming sense of longing
Seem to draw me ever deeper into these feelings

Could it be this season,
With shining lights and happy sights
The time again each year
That yearning once again,
To share it in harmony,
Our joy in chorus
Or perhaps it is simply my season,
This time of loneliness,
The yawning ache and desperate hope…
A longing
For more
More than I could ever dare hope for

I want to fall asleep watching your favorite movie,
The steady rhythm of your breathing against my chest.
I want to sit across the room from you,
Stealing glances of your smile as you read.
I want to be there as you close your eyes and sing your favorite song,
Dancing like no one is watching.
I want to wake up next to you,
In the tender moments before the day bids us rise.

I want to know your favorite food,
And learn to cook it just the way you like it.
I want to hold the door for you,
Carry the umbrella in the rain,
And show up at your door with flowers.
I want to sit back, waiting as you speak for yourself,
Bold and strong, taking your own battles,
But knowing I will always be there to stand at your side.
I want to sit and listen to you talk about your favorite things,
The songs you sing,
The stories you read,
The things that make you free.

I want to feel the excitement as I find new ways to love you,
Finding every way I can show you how special you are
I want to be at a loss for words,
Lacking in every way as I try to show how you make me feel
I want to leave you letters,
Filled with words and images like a hopeless romantic
I want to be swept away in a rush of emotion,
As we imagine that the way we live is some faerie tale

I want to be there alongside you,
So that when you can’t love yourself,
I can love you for both of us.
I want to be your anchor, your refuge,
To have the willingness to speak when you need to hear it,
And the wisdom to listen when you need to talk.
I want to make you smile, to make you laugh,
I want to love you in the celebrations,
And not leave when the seas grow stormy.
I want to sit in the comfort of home,
A place of warmth and welcome,
Something the two of us can build together.
I want to journey out into the world, 
Sharing in adventure after adventure,
Sharing in all this life might offer.
For all this and more
It is a longing deep inside
A longing for you